Alcohol: The Cause of Life's Problems Pt.1

So it's now friday and I'm apparently on a break. On a forced break as it feels to me seeing as how I don't want to be on one. I'm not exactly sure what the hell a break is but i've watched tv and I know I'm gonna do something stupid just like Ross did on Friends. When I think about it I don't actually see what that character did as "wrong". Just like Ross says in the show "we we're on a break", and from what I remember considering that that particular episode just aired and ironically enough I watched the end of it, she was then one who wanted the break. So if it's something she wants then who am I to not go out with the guys lookin' to tag some bar skank like the Schwimmer did, it's that or go lookin' for a fight.

The Players:

Pat
Chris
Chimko
Stefan

Location: The Keep
Time: 7:30

So after a days work of being the nagging guy who does nothing but question and bitch about the motives and actions of what should be my girlfriend it's a pretty easy call that drinking should be on the menu for the evening. With the days events transpiring the way they did Chris and Chimko decided to go out boozing considering that most likely with the rain coming we wouldn't be working the next day. Both of them seemed to have the prescription for my current woes, not the 12 year old we stopped for that was crossing the road though, but a night of drinking and scantly dressed girls.

After a quick shower I pulled on some clothes and hit the tequila, 3 shots and a bottle of MGD was all I managed before Chris picked me up around 8.

We we're starting early.

Location: Whyte/Stolli's
Time: bit before 9

Before we got to Whyte I got a call from Pannich who expressed interest in joining us but he hadn't expected us to have left early so he would try and find another way down cause apparently he wanted to drink. We also picked up Chris' cousin Stef on the way. Most people aren't too familar with him especially our readers cause whenever he's made an appearance we've either not written a blog or it's been a short one with no Player/Cast list. So to keep it short he's good people to hang with, particularly when drinking.

As we walked Whyte our main goal was to find a place that had cheap drinks and that usually translates to the Attic or Stolli's. After being disappointed with the special at the Attic we crossed the street to head over to Stolli's only to find out that they didn't have their street sign on the sidewalk with the specials of the day. We figured we may aswell go in and at least check it out cause despite the lack of the street sign we know they have cheap highballs as we've been there too many times before. Once in the door but not up the stairs I saw the bouncer carry the old trusty sign down with the usual advertised $1.50 higballs written in pink chalk. When the bouncer saw us I'm sure he recognized us as he's the same guy that had to let me in ahead of the line when I had to gather the girls (read A Bottle of Absinthe and a Yellow Bus) and who I've had a few more conversations with when going to Stolli's. So when he saw us he said and I quote "you're gonna have to give us a minute, we're not quite ready for You guys yet.", I can only imagine it's cause we go there too often and drink too much. Once inside we beelined it for the bar and took advantage of the special. Chris and Stef started with beer but me and Chimko went with the highballs, 4 rye and coke doubles for him and seeing as how I don't have much of a stomach for coke I ordered up 4 vodka slime doubles. We had both figured the best option was to get our drinks in short glasses that way we'd get more booze for our buck and less pop and mix filler, the result was some strong ass drinks made with the cheapest booze availble. One solution I found was to add a dash of grenadine to make a Candy Apple, the sweetness managed to cover the strong taste of cheap vodka. With all our drinks in hand we headed to the back of the bar and grabbed a table where we mostly talked guy talk about girls, sports, and Jessie's party the weekend before and what had taken place and who had showed. At one point we tried to play pool but for some reason the table was out of order. So about a half hour later and 8 doubles down the hatch I was mostly primed, now I'm not saying I was drunk...almost but not drunk. I'm talking about that feeling when you drink alot a bit too fast and it feels like you've got a line up of booze in your throat waiting to get into your stomach like an upside down pezz dispenser. Like I was saying I was primed to get sloshed. Around this time though we decided to give up on Whyte and head to Union as it was one of the closest dance clubs and it can get pretty busy on a thursday. With the slim pickins on Whyte, there was hope that a dance club would suit our needs. I'd say we we're wrong.


Location: Union Hall
Time: 10 give or take

There was no line when we arrived so it was straight in after paying $5 for cover. Once inside it was apparent this was not the place to be but we already paid the reaper so we decided to ride it out. Once at the bar we all grabbed some drinks and ordered a round of drinks for each other. Stefan having expressed his interest in not drinking seemed to be failing that in fine fashion as he downed the shot of Jack courtesy of Chimko, bought a round of Jager Bombs, and popped his virginal cherry of a military tequila shot picked by yours truly. Anyone not familiar with the term military shot can all join in and follow these instructions: first off you will need 1oz of tequlia, some salt, and a lemon not a lime. If you want to do multiple shots just multiply the amount of salt and lemons by the number of shots you wish to do. Now that you've all got your shots, salt and lemons follow along with me as I go, to make it easier pour a little bit of salt on the hand you are not doing the shot with. Good, so basically what were gonna do now is drink the shot, sniff the salt, and squeeze the lemon in you eye. Yeah you read it right, make sure you sniff it all and squeeze it good cause nothing wakes up your sense of taste, smell, and hearing better than a soldier shot. I did say hearing cause after you squeeze that lemon juice in your eye it's gonna take awhile before you can see again. So after we all ordered our repective shots and had a good time drinking them we split up in search of a conquest.

Earlier when I mentioned that we hoped a dance club would suit our needs and I felt it didn't...I still stand by that. After taking a walk around the bottom level of the bar seeing as the upper floor was closed it become apparent to me and Chimko that we were fishing from the bottom of the barrel. Now I'm not Jesus and I've never claimed to be, in fact the majority of the guys know that my standards for girls I'd do is probably in a category of it's own, but there is no way I'd take any of those nasty bar skanks who aren't even close to being half as smokin' as my should be girl is. So once it was estabished that there was no eye candy we turned our attention back to the booze. Now for some reason when ever I go out to the bar I get alot of people asking me things thinking that I work there. So as Chimko and I are at the bar waiting for our drinks I'm standing with my back to it facing the crowd, some girl comes up to me and orders a drink, I look at her with my head tilted to the side thinking about what she said cause I might have missed a few words. Once again she orders her drink and after a couple more seconds of confusion she clues in and realizes that I don't work there. So I let her squeeze in to order her drink from the actual bartender and she asks for some extra limes for her G&T. Now I know I'm drunk by this point cause my inner pezz dispenser is empty and I figure Chimko's got his tank full of alcohol aswell because he gives her a hand full of lemons. She takes them from him and once she see's that they are lemons throws them on the ground and asks again for some limes. So Chimko turns around and grabs another hand full of lemons and once again gives them to her. She takes a look and the same outcome occurs with her asking for limes. Chimko turns around and once again grabs a bunch of lemons but before he can give them too her I lean over grab some limes and intercept her hands. The 3 of us plus her friend talked for a bit but once the boyfriend card was played we pretty much stopped mid-sentence and walked away. It was sometime around this point that we realized that we were in a bar full of douchbags, and this made us mad. Fueled by booze and anger at the way my relationship was I pretty much figured that this was as good a night as any to scrap with some guys, Chimko agreed.

The next 2hrs were pretty much spent walking around the bar trying to start fights. I mean it couldn't have been more obvious and we couldn't have tried any harder. We we're blatantly walking straight into groups of guys that were standing by the bar or walking in the direction opposite of us. Everytime we did they would appologize and we'd lip them off but they'd be all buddy buddy until we left. We realized that more drastic measures needed to be taken. The next group of guys was about 5 or 6 big so I walked up to one of them and smacked the drink out of his hand. Expecting some harsh words to be said I was disappointed as He actually apologized to me, to which I relied "What are you apologizing for you idiot, I knocked the drink out of your hand!" but once again they were all buddy buddy and nothing happened. Next Chimko decided we'd try the dance floor, so we flat out pushed guys out of our on the dance floor until he decided he'd found a formidable opponent. Once he found one he pushed the guy away from the girl he was dancing with and told him that "she was too hot for him and that he was a faggot" some words were said between them that I couldn't hear but One Punch turned around with a dumbfounded look on his face and I knew we weren't scrappin'. So we about gave up on our quest and went looking for Chris and Stefan. Once we found them we hung out for a bit while keeping our eye out for some fresh wool. Around this time a decent looking girl from B.C. came up to Chris and I and told us that the door to the girls bathroom was locked. We gave her the "what the fuck do you expect us to do about it" look and she kept babbling about the washroom so I said Chris would help her out and she dragged him off in the direction of the locked bathroom. I later found out that she came to us cause she thought we worked there and that the door wasn't locked she was just dumb. While that was going on I went to the head to take a piss and happened to pass Chimko who was on his way out. So as I'm taking a piss I hear some guys talking shit about Chimko cause he was apparently trying to start a fight before he left, so I start lipping off to them challenging them to a fight and saying other shit about beating them down but they leave before I'm done. As I'm leaving the washroom I get blocked in by some bouncers, one of them grabs me and starts dragging me to the doors, from what I gathered someone that worked there was in the washroom and they heard everything I had said. The bouncer accused me of trying to start trouble all night which I couldn't really deny. So as they pushed me out the doors I avoided tripping over the cheap velvet ropes they have to corral the drunk patrons into the parking lot. Now the strange thing is that as I was walking along the path the dude working the door stamped my hand. I felt very confused but also a little excited as I'd be heading back in.

Before I went back in I cooled off outside and called Chris to tell him what happened. It was too loud inside so he said he'd come out but I made sure to tell him to get a stamp when he did so we could all get back in. So as I waited Chris came out, got a stamp and turned right to follow the rope. Right after Chris came Stefan who did the same. Next was Chimko who came out, got the stamp, but instead of turning right continued walking straight threw the velvet ropes. Now he didn't step over them, he just kept walking through the parking lot dragging the ropes and poles all the way to the hotdog vendor that had been his destination of intent. Well the bouncers didn't take to kindly to this so they went chasing after him and we went chasing after them expecting to get in a fight with them. Most people don't think fighting the bouncers is a good idea and I'd say they're right, but if you do the best thing to do is to not let them get ahold of you. I've known a few guys who have worked the doors and they mostly said that they don't punch they just grab ahold of you so that other bouncers can punch you or they can slam you into things cause for the most part bouncers are big and not very mobile so they don't want to get into a boxing match. Either way we didn't end up scrapping them as they just X'd Chimko so that he couldn't get back in. By X'd I mean they write big fucking X's on your hands with markers that way if you wash them off you'd also be washing off the stamp to get back in. So we decided to call it a night at that point and Chris drove all of us home.

We got home late but with the rain there was no work so we could sober our drunk asses up in peace.

I'd have to say that that was the first time I got kicked out of a bar for fighting without actually throwing a punch.

I guess you could call it attempted fighting.

So Long to Summer

So after a couple weeks rest from the duel house party hosted by Bryan and Burger we stumble upon our yearly get together. Now for those of you that have known us for a good number of years it has become a bit of a tradition that the last big house party of the summer takes place at the Fortress of Solitude, otherwise known as Jessie's. With a house that has the lay-out of a small pub complete with a bar, a pool table, a big screen, and a dance floor with a disco ball it's always a don't miss kind of party, even if you are just showing up for a little bit to make your presence known. Unfortunately for me (or fortunately for you if you were drinking my tasty conncoctions) for this party I was once again behind the bar, well not really cause I had a great fucking time while I was back there I just missed out on a lot of things. Like I was saying I did miss out on a shit load of things that happened so I know I'll probably end up leaving out some important plot points of the evening.

*Disclaimer*

As I write this I'm dealing with some fucked up problems in life and mainly my relationship but I hope to take you on one hell of a ride 3 or 4 days in the past. It'll be more interesting and may make more sense to read this while drinking or drunk, so grab a bottle, go on... I encourage it.

The Players:

For the list of people that were there just scroll down to all of my previous posts and take those names and put them under this heading, then add about 20 more names for the people that I didn't know.

For myself the day started out stressed to the max trying to get everything ready, having to drive to one place for something and to another place for something else, the ice for the keg and the lime mix for the vodka slimes as well as other drinks were particularly difficult to find, all the while answering the onslaught of calls I was getting from people wanting to know the details of the night. Once I got there I around 6:30 for the bbq I had to take some time to relax and get some grub in my gut before I hit the keg of MGD. I figured that would be all that was asked of me for the night not realizing then that what is possibly the best house party I have been to would end in shambles for myself.

After I had inhaled a couple burgers and downed a few beers I headed inside and down to the bar where I would probably spend about the next 5 to 6 hours. Having dropped off the booze and prepped the bar the day before I was all set up and ready for the party goers not drinking beer.

The bar was now open.

I believe the first thing I poured was two shots of Cabo Wabo tequila one for Chimko and one for myself, we'd start the night off right with a strong and expensive poison. After that and sure enough a couple of almost soon to be regulars Lindsey and Stacey sat down at the bar bringing with them booze to be added to my stock and a smiling face that goes by the name Ashley. Now Ashley is the kind of girl that is fun to hang out with and can always put a smile on my face, so she must be doing something right, only problem is it's so damn hard to get the girl to actually come out. Anyways it was good to see her and I know the guys liked it as the cock blockery was in full effect something I hadn't expected to fully kick into gear until later that night when a girl I hadn't seen since her 18th b-day pubcrawl (see "A Bottle of Absinthe and a Yellow Bus" for spoiler) showed up. Around this time I got a call from Jenny explaining that though she wants to be at the party it's too hard for her to come cause she loves me too much and can't stand to see me with other girls, well at least that's how heard it.

I would have expected that around this point there was a shit load of people there as all the stools at the bar were full and I had people standing behind them wanting drinks, only problem was when ever I'd leave the bar to take a piss or grab a beer all the jackals would flood behind the bar to try and make their own drinks. I'm almost positve that the first bottle finished that night was the Jack Daniel's Single Barrel and that the last of it went to Chris. Once the party got into full swing Chris stepped behind the bar to help me work the crowd as even the beer drinkers were coming to the bar for shots and drinks, something that would fuel everyones second wind like the last charge at Helm's Deep as they took on the keg. On a side note some how our security measure had failed and Speilbergo had gotten in charge of the music, so needless to say it was fucking loud.

With people now crowding around the bar, others by the pool table, and still more on the dance floor it was hard to keep track of everyone. The lovely Laura finally arrived though after a quick hug and brief conversation that was strained through the music I didn't get to see her as much as I would have liked as she was quickly set upon by the singles not currently engaged in conversation with other girls. With the crowd thickening I realized that Bryan and Smith had finally arrived from the wedding of a girl we went to high school with. Smith wasted no time as he c-blocked the others from Laura. Amongst all the questions I was being asked by everyone I decided to ask one of my own "Where the fuck is Jessie?".

Now with everyone always asking me questions I usually don't have a problem with it but as the questions changed to things the owner of the house would only know I had to ask "Where the fuck is Jessie?" cause they were things he should have been dealing with. At this time I closed the bar for awhile as I attempted to get things in order. One thing I haven't gotten a chance to express my distaste for is going for "walks". Everyone has gone on walks before including yourself but I'm not talking about a romantic walk or a walk to the video store. The kind of walk I'm talking about is when you are at a party and you leave said party with a small group of people, usually no more than 6. Now you're thinking to yourself "I've never gone on one of those walks", but you have, cause remember way back when you were fuckin' 12 and in jr. high and you were at your friends P.C.P. party and you and all your dumb little friends left and walked to the store or a lake and then went back. Bam! just like that you went on a walk. Well because I never exactly wrote a detailed post for "A Keg of Fools Gold" and no one else manned-up and wrote one I never got to express my hatred for these things as a select few left that party for whatever the fuck they do on those things. Anyways I'm sort of off topic so as I was saying I'm walking around trying to find Jessie when I bump into Amanda and we talk for a bit as Bryan, Smith, and Pannich each at different times walk in and awkwardly shy away. After that talk I head back out on the hunt and manage to find Kevin (Jessie's bro) laying on the front steps angled in a way that looked very uncomfortable, at the blink of an eye it was obvious that he was busted. He managed to tell me that Jessie had left and started walking that way, pointing in the direction he went. That fuckin' guy went on a walk. Sure enough like clock work Francine called me drunk as fuck and yelling into the phone told me that her, Jessie, and a few others were at the park. I expressed my feelings to them about it and went back to the party but not before noticing a few of the partiers hot boxing one of their cars.

On my way back to the bar I happened to come across Chris and Laura upstairs talking and decided to join them. They were in a meaningful conversation about relationships and I used this opportunity to tell her that I thought her ex was a douche bag and she shouldn't date guys like that, cause lets face it, she's better than that and she deserves the best. My involvement with that convo was short lived as the "walkers" returned and I once again told them how I feel about going for walks. I then tried to hang with Fran but she apparently wasn't in the mood to be around me so I headed back down to the bar where I was wanted as the alcoholics sitting around the bar kept asking me to make them drinks. So I opened the bar again. As I poured shots and made drinks I played wingman to the guys sitting around the bar that were working on their invited guests. Now I'm not sure who brought the McCain Deep 'N' Delicious cake but that thing was nothing but trouble from the get go. With drunk guys and girls, some that were high, everyone seemed to want a piece and while I was away from the bar it seemed people were better at getting it everywhere except there mouths. At one point I even got stabbed in the hand with a fork by someone trying to get a piece. Once I made sure everyone had their beverages I went to grab myself another beer and bumped into Ashley by the keg, now as most people know there were 4 Ashleys at the party and I'm talking about my Ashley, the one I worked with not the girlfriend of Shaun, or Keith, or the lover of Chimko. So after I talked to her for a bit she told me she was leaving cause she had to work early, now this was something she had told me numerous times throughout the night so after she convinced me she really was leaving this time I made sure of it by carrying her up the stairs to where her driver for the ride home was waiting. When outside I talked with Kevin and he explained to me that the thing that happens to all of us when we drink too much just happened to him, something he told me again a few more times that night.

On my way back down I saw Francine and tried to talk to her but she just labeled me with a bunch of reasons that her and her friends came up with as to why I'm not a good boyfriend. I tried to talk but she just kept walking away so I did what I always do, got right fucked. I headed down to the bar and lined up 11 shots, took two for myself and demaned 9 other people to put it up. Adriano manned-up and took 2 for himself and the last 7 were collected by others, in the five seconds it took us to down the shots I was already calling for the next 7 drinkers to come get the next shot as Adriano and myself grabbed another 2 each. We did this over and over till the bottles ran dry.

After our onslaught on the booze at the bar I closed it for the night and headed to find my girl and that's where my night pretty much ended as I tried to salvage a sinking ship.

As I was still in the house in a quiet and little used room I heard the crowd roaring from the depths of the basement. Everyone got their second wind as some had thrown up and others had risen from beneath the pool table they all rallied to the coldest and least comforting room in the house. I can't say I witnessed it first hand but I did hear it and I did see videos of it and I feel Bryan expressed it best as he said it was like a scene out of Fight Club. A concrete room filled with people all in a circle surrounding a keg as they lined up one after another to challeged the keg to provide them with just a little bit more beer so that they could do a keg stand as the blatantly drunk crowd cheered them on. It was a sight I'm sorry to say I didn't get to participate in.

Some other notes of the evening that I don't have first hand accounts of were Ruben trying to convince an asian guy that the girl he came to give a ride to had left so that Ruben himself could try and pick her up. I think he may have given her his number. Another event is Marco and Matt singing along to every song in the Goof Troop movie as they sat hypnotized watching it in the early morning.

Time: 10am

The next morning I showed up as I always seem to do after our parties to gather my belongings and survey the disaster zone. I found Bryan on the couch upstairs and Jessie in his room, Ross and Stacey were sleeping in the spare room downstairs both fully clothed. For the second party in a row I woke them up again. Except for a few places the house was fairly clean and didn't take much time to clean, of course I didn't do any cleaning myself, but I did watch the others clean while I was playing pool. After Ross and Stacey left Bryan fried up some bacon and eggs and I had more than my share of bacon. We basically sat there at the table for a few hours as we tried to collect ourselves and remember the events of the night before. Bryan told us the story behind his white shirt with an orange back and the guy who was suppose to "watch his drink" and Jessie expressed his feelings about all the cock blocking that occured.

After gathering up all the empty liquor bottles we roughly calculated that with the keg included by actual bar prices we drank about $8,000 worth of booze.

It was a great party and has been said by alot of people that were there that it was possibly the best house party they have ever been too.

I think I would agree with that, well for the most part.