Sherwood Park Party!

Haven’t written on here for a while so I thought I’d write about this party I went to last week because it was somewhat humorous.

Cast:
Me (Ross)
Wes (work buddy)
Dave (work buddy)
Andrew (some gay guy)
Other people whose names I forget…..

Time: 12PM Saturday Night Location: Sherwood Park Bitches!

The saga starts with me getting an invite to a party my friend Wes is throwing at his house (which is in Sherwood Park). Now I’d never been to a Sherwood Party and normally would never hang out with people who were born in or live in the SP, but I’ve become good friends with many co-workers who live there so……

I have to work until 12, so I make my friend Dave wait until 12 until he starts drinking so I’m not the only guy not smashed when I get there. Now as anyone who has ever arrived late at a party knows:
1) Being sober at a party where everyone is drunk is about as fun as watching baseball
2) Playing catch-up invariably leads to disaster

So at this point, my decision has already been made as I swagger in with a bottle of Tullamore Dew in my hands. For all you non-alcoholics, Tullamore Dew is a kind of Irish whiskey. Now the reason I bought such a random and classless sounding booze is kind of a personal masochistic joke on myself. Basically there are 3 kinds of Irish whiskey at the liquor store where I work, and a few months ago I bought another one called Bushmills. Long story short- if you scroll down a bit you’ll see photo evidence of how that night ended up. Needless to say, I’ve taken it upon myself to take on the Irish whiskey shelf in a battle to the death. Last man standing wins.

Anyway, I arrive at about 12:15 and to my surprise, the party is actually fairly bumpin and most of these Parkians are not assholes at all, but are truly nice people! But enough about that, Dave is itchin to go and we head to the kitchen and knock back a swig of whiskey straight from the bottle and pour ourselves some tall drinks. After a couple really quick, really strong drinks I’m feeling real good and I’m making friendly conversation with this girl Vanessa. Out of nowhere this guy “noobs” (who is a goof apparently), accuses me of cock-blocking him in front of everyone. Now, this was clearly true because I’m already spoken for and I noticed he had a thing for her, but he acted like a douche to me when we were introduced. Being extremely petty, I kept talking to her and shooting dirty looks at him in the hopes that he would call me out. For some reason I really wanted to fight him- which I blame completely on the IRISH whiskey – they must bottle up all that Irish hate into their whiskeys or something because I was spoiling for a fight with a guy I’ve known for all of 2 hours….

Anyway, somehow the crisis was averted and I went back to drinking. Dave’s girlfriend wouldn’t let him drink anymore, so I continued my battle against Ireland with the previously mentioned Gay Andrew. Now I have nothing against gay people (as hard as that may be to believe) so I let it slide as Andrew shamelessly flirted with me all night. The two of us finished up the bottle by doing about 5 shots each and by this time I was right fucked but I didn’t know it yet. Like anyone who has just consumed copious amounts of booze whilst sitting, I thought I was good to go but I was terribly mistaken. Getting up to go outside was a bit of a shock. As I opened the screen door, the world hit me like a Dublin Kiss – the sky looked like that light speed shit in Star Wars- I felt like I was in a snow globe and the stars were the snow.

Not wanting to embarrass myself in front of people I just met, I decide to walk it off around the block. Heroically, I made it about 5 houses away before face planting into someone’s lawn. I laid there for a long time, unable to move, can’t really remember how long but it felt like hours before Wes came looking for me. For some reason I refused to go with him back to his house, so he brought a blanket and draped it over me. At some point later, Andrew comes along and helps me to my car, where I will sleep. 2 minutes after he closes the door, I hear it open and this most awkward conversation ensues:

Andrew: “I know your drunk so I’ll just ask- how big are you?”
Me: “Are you fucking serious?”
Andrew: “Yeah I want to know”
Me: “edrsfihewgf” (unintelligible gibberish)
Andrew: “Well I’m 7 un-cut”

With that the door slams and I drift into an alcohol fueled coma, bringing my first S-club party to a close. All said and done, good times were had, I’ve come 1/3 closer to defeating the Irish (although I’ve taken 2 hellacious beatings), and had the most awkward conversation since the “condom talk”. Cheers to Sherwood Pizzark Bitches!