Alcohol: The Cause of Life's Problems Pt.1

So it's now friday and I'm apparently on a break. On a forced break as it feels to me seeing as how I don't want to be on one. I'm not exactly sure what the hell a break is but i've watched tv and I know I'm gonna do something stupid just like Ross did on Friends. When I think about it I don't actually see what that character did as "wrong". Just like Ross says in the show "we we're on a break", and from what I remember considering that that particular episode just aired and ironically enough I watched the end of it, she was then one who wanted the break. So if it's something she wants then who am I to not go out with the guys lookin' to tag some bar skank like the Schwimmer did, it's that or go lookin' for a fight.

The Players:

Pat
Chris
Chimko
Stefan

Location: The Keep
Time: 7:30

So after a days work of being the nagging guy who does nothing but question and bitch about the motives and actions of what should be my girlfriend it's a pretty easy call that drinking should be on the menu for the evening. With the days events transpiring the way they did Chris and Chimko decided to go out boozing considering that most likely with the rain coming we wouldn't be working the next day. Both of them seemed to have the prescription for my current woes, not the 12 year old we stopped for that was crossing the road though, but a night of drinking and scantly dressed girls.

After a quick shower I pulled on some clothes and hit the tequila, 3 shots and a bottle of MGD was all I managed before Chris picked me up around 8.

We we're starting early.

Location: Whyte/Stolli's
Time: bit before 9

Before we got to Whyte I got a call from Pannich who expressed interest in joining us but he hadn't expected us to have left early so he would try and find another way down cause apparently he wanted to drink. We also picked up Chris' cousin Stef on the way. Most people aren't too familar with him especially our readers cause whenever he's made an appearance we've either not written a blog or it's been a short one with no Player/Cast list. So to keep it short he's good people to hang with, particularly when drinking.

As we walked Whyte our main goal was to find a place that had cheap drinks and that usually translates to the Attic or Stolli's. After being disappointed with the special at the Attic we crossed the street to head over to Stolli's only to find out that they didn't have their street sign on the sidewalk with the specials of the day. We figured we may aswell go in and at least check it out cause despite the lack of the street sign we know they have cheap highballs as we've been there too many times before. Once in the door but not up the stairs I saw the bouncer carry the old trusty sign down with the usual advertised $1.50 higballs written in pink chalk. When the bouncer saw us I'm sure he recognized us as he's the same guy that had to let me in ahead of the line when I had to gather the girls (read A Bottle of Absinthe and a Yellow Bus) and who I've had a few more conversations with when going to Stolli's. So when he saw us he said and I quote "you're gonna have to give us a minute, we're not quite ready for You guys yet.", I can only imagine it's cause we go there too often and drink too much. Once inside we beelined it for the bar and took advantage of the special. Chris and Stef started with beer but me and Chimko went with the highballs, 4 rye and coke doubles for him and seeing as how I don't have much of a stomach for coke I ordered up 4 vodka slime doubles. We had both figured the best option was to get our drinks in short glasses that way we'd get more booze for our buck and less pop and mix filler, the result was some strong ass drinks made with the cheapest booze availble. One solution I found was to add a dash of grenadine to make a Candy Apple, the sweetness managed to cover the strong taste of cheap vodka. With all our drinks in hand we headed to the back of the bar and grabbed a table where we mostly talked guy talk about girls, sports, and Jessie's party the weekend before and what had taken place and who had showed. At one point we tried to play pool but for some reason the table was out of order. So about a half hour later and 8 doubles down the hatch I was mostly primed, now I'm not saying I was drunk...almost but not drunk. I'm talking about that feeling when you drink alot a bit too fast and it feels like you've got a line up of booze in your throat waiting to get into your stomach like an upside down pezz dispenser. Like I was saying I was primed to get sloshed. Around this time though we decided to give up on Whyte and head to Union as it was one of the closest dance clubs and it can get pretty busy on a thursday. With the slim pickins on Whyte, there was hope that a dance club would suit our needs. I'd say we we're wrong.


Location: Union Hall
Time: 10 give or take

There was no line when we arrived so it was straight in after paying $5 for cover. Once inside it was apparent this was not the place to be but we already paid the reaper so we decided to ride it out. Once at the bar we all grabbed some drinks and ordered a round of drinks for each other. Stefan having expressed his interest in not drinking seemed to be failing that in fine fashion as he downed the shot of Jack courtesy of Chimko, bought a round of Jager Bombs, and popped his virginal cherry of a military tequila shot picked by yours truly. Anyone not familiar with the term military shot can all join in and follow these instructions: first off you will need 1oz of tequlia, some salt, and a lemon not a lime. If you want to do multiple shots just multiply the amount of salt and lemons by the number of shots you wish to do. Now that you've all got your shots, salt and lemons follow along with me as I go, to make it easier pour a little bit of salt on the hand you are not doing the shot with. Good, so basically what were gonna do now is drink the shot, sniff the salt, and squeeze the lemon in you eye. Yeah you read it right, make sure you sniff it all and squeeze it good cause nothing wakes up your sense of taste, smell, and hearing better than a soldier shot. I did say hearing cause after you squeeze that lemon juice in your eye it's gonna take awhile before you can see again. So after we all ordered our repective shots and had a good time drinking them we split up in search of a conquest.

Earlier when I mentioned that we hoped a dance club would suit our needs and I felt it didn't...I still stand by that. After taking a walk around the bottom level of the bar seeing as the upper floor was closed it become apparent to me and Chimko that we were fishing from the bottom of the barrel. Now I'm not Jesus and I've never claimed to be, in fact the majority of the guys know that my standards for girls I'd do is probably in a category of it's own, but there is no way I'd take any of those nasty bar skanks who aren't even close to being half as smokin' as my should be girl is. So once it was estabished that there was no eye candy we turned our attention back to the booze. Now for some reason when ever I go out to the bar I get alot of people asking me things thinking that I work there. So as Chimko and I are at the bar waiting for our drinks I'm standing with my back to it facing the crowd, some girl comes up to me and orders a drink, I look at her with my head tilted to the side thinking about what she said cause I might have missed a few words. Once again she orders her drink and after a couple more seconds of confusion she clues in and realizes that I don't work there. So I let her squeeze in to order her drink from the actual bartender and she asks for some extra limes for her G&T. Now I know I'm drunk by this point cause my inner pezz dispenser is empty and I figure Chimko's got his tank full of alcohol aswell because he gives her a hand full of lemons. She takes them from him and once she see's that they are lemons throws them on the ground and asks again for some limes. So Chimko turns around and grabs another hand full of lemons and once again gives them to her. She takes a look and the same outcome occurs with her asking for limes. Chimko turns around and once again grabs a bunch of lemons but before he can give them too her I lean over grab some limes and intercept her hands. The 3 of us plus her friend talked for a bit but once the boyfriend card was played we pretty much stopped mid-sentence and walked away. It was sometime around this point that we realized that we were in a bar full of douchbags, and this made us mad. Fueled by booze and anger at the way my relationship was I pretty much figured that this was as good a night as any to scrap with some guys, Chimko agreed.

The next 2hrs were pretty much spent walking around the bar trying to start fights. I mean it couldn't have been more obvious and we couldn't have tried any harder. We we're blatantly walking straight into groups of guys that were standing by the bar or walking in the direction opposite of us. Everytime we did they would appologize and we'd lip them off but they'd be all buddy buddy until we left. We realized that more drastic measures needed to be taken. The next group of guys was about 5 or 6 big so I walked up to one of them and smacked the drink out of his hand. Expecting some harsh words to be said I was disappointed as He actually apologized to me, to which I relied "What are you apologizing for you idiot, I knocked the drink out of your hand!" but once again they were all buddy buddy and nothing happened. Next Chimko decided we'd try the dance floor, so we flat out pushed guys out of our on the dance floor until he decided he'd found a formidable opponent. Once he found one he pushed the guy away from the girl he was dancing with and told him that "she was too hot for him and that he was a faggot" some words were said between them that I couldn't hear but One Punch turned around with a dumbfounded look on his face and I knew we weren't scrappin'. So we about gave up on our quest and went looking for Chris and Stefan. Once we found them we hung out for a bit while keeping our eye out for some fresh wool. Around this time a decent looking girl from B.C. came up to Chris and I and told us that the door to the girls bathroom was locked. We gave her the "what the fuck do you expect us to do about it" look and she kept babbling about the washroom so I said Chris would help her out and she dragged him off in the direction of the locked bathroom. I later found out that she came to us cause she thought we worked there and that the door wasn't locked she was just dumb. While that was going on I went to the head to take a piss and happened to pass Chimko who was on his way out. So as I'm taking a piss I hear some guys talking shit about Chimko cause he was apparently trying to start a fight before he left, so I start lipping off to them challenging them to a fight and saying other shit about beating them down but they leave before I'm done. As I'm leaving the washroom I get blocked in by some bouncers, one of them grabs me and starts dragging me to the doors, from what I gathered someone that worked there was in the washroom and they heard everything I had said. The bouncer accused me of trying to start trouble all night which I couldn't really deny. So as they pushed me out the doors I avoided tripping over the cheap velvet ropes they have to corral the drunk patrons into the parking lot. Now the strange thing is that as I was walking along the path the dude working the door stamped my hand. I felt very confused but also a little excited as I'd be heading back in.

Before I went back in I cooled off outside and called Chris to tell him what happened. It was too loud inside so he said he'd come out but I made sure to tell him to get a stamp when he did so we could all get back in. So as I waited Chris came out, got a stamp and turned right to follow the rope. Right after Chris came Stefan who did the same. Next was Chimko who came out, got the stamp, but instead of turning right continued walking straight threw the velvet ropes. Now he didn't step over them, he just kept walking through the parking lot dragging the ropes and poles all the way to the hotdog vendor that had been his destination of intent. Well the bouncers didn't take to kindly to this so they went chasing after him and we went chasing after them expecting to get in a fight with them. Most people don't think fighting the bouncers is a good idea and I'd say they're right, but if you do the best thing to do is to not let them get ahold of you. I've known a few guys who have worked the doors and they mostly said that they don't punch they just grab ahold of you so that other bouncers can punch you or they can slam you into things cause for the most part bouncers are big and not very mobile so they don't want to get into a boxing match. Either way we didn't end up scrapping them as they just X'd Chimko so that he couldn't get back in. By X'd I mean they write big fucking X's on your hands with markers that way if you wash them off you'd also be washing off the stamp to get back in. So we decided to call it a night at that point and Chris drove all of us home.

We got home late but with the rain there was no work so we could sober our drunk asses up in peace.

I'd have to say that that was the first time I got kicked out of a bar for fighting without actually throwing a punch.

I guess you could call it attempted fighting.